Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
You Might Also Like
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin