I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”