So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Who says great literature is dead?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂