Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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Sign of the day..
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
🛁
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers