I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell