Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
At least my masseuse has my back.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.