If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
his wife is probably gonna see that
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide