Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Morning my dudes.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works