The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING