What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*exercises sarcastically*
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.