Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway