A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
how long have you had this for?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*