Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The internet is full of many things
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Blew my mind.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.