Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
You Might Also Like
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..