“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You Might Also Like
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms