*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
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I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying