Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”