Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.