[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
You Might Also Like
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
WWE is French for “yes”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
You deplete me
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.