I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Note to self: I am a note
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
love pickles so much i put myself in one
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”