not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe