Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.