I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
He wanted to make sure😂
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.