My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face