Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Finally! 😈
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok