Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
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“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t