Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
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Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”