One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Y’all know who you are.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.