I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My five year plan is a meteorite
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word