[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’m good, thanks.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex