You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I think we should hear other voices.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
CUTE CAT‼︎
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.