My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My neck my back my allergy attack
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
August 8
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows