If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
sin harder.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses