Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
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Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second