*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.