What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
damn he’s good
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick