If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious