Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow