Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
He-man has a Masters degree
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.