Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”