[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
work smarter, not harder
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk