Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.