absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER