I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Before & after 😅
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
my astrological sign is a french fry
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.