The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
That lamp looks PISSED.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth