If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?