Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
You Might Also Like
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.