“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Well, this is awkward
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.