ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now