Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Well, this certainly took a turn
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.